24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
