Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
