the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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