WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
