I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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