omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
