I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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