Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
