3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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