on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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