i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
