She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
