WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
