Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
