He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
