I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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