I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
