She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize