i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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