I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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