You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
