Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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