There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
