omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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