Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
