Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
