I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
