connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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