I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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