I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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