So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
