All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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