I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
