I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
