Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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