the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
