just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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