i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
