I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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