Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
two words...techno handjob
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
