Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
