I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
