So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
