he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
