I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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