I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
