You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
