Soap is not a condiment
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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