i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
