Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it's like iHOP with fire
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
