there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
