Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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