I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
