I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
