My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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