I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
