Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
