BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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